Tai_duong's Xanga

Change; It's A Wonderful Thing

Sun, 29 Oct 2006 06:50:38 GMT

Life's changing, and people around me are beginning to move and evolve in marvelous ways. It's hapepning in so many areas, much more than one. Whether it be around on the internet, past friends from school, close personal friends whom I've lost contact with, and new freinds. And the change is definitely something positive, and needless to say I can a lot of it also is coming from me. I've come to accept a lot more in life, and to be able to let things go, adn as a result, I've accomplished a lot more. I'm less caring about what other's have to negatively think of me, and will continue in caring less of what people have to think about me. I beleive if we are to care less about how we feel about other's judging us, we can care more about the reality that is going on around us. And in effect make our own realities.

I'm listening more, enjoying more, having more fun, organizing more, and definitely accomplishing more. I'm ridding myself of much of my negativity and indulging life for what it has. I'm laerning to under-react to circumstances when it proves necessary a little more as well.

Overall developing a schedule has definitely helped me out, and my relationships constantly evolve with my firneds. Meeting so many conflict situations has certainly helped me face them head on. I'm also laughing at the things that used ot make me angry, simpyl becuase I've come to the realization that some things are better laughed. I think it's the scheduling of things that makes for such able accomplishment. I think less on things and just do them, and then think afterwards. I've found that it works pretty well. I'm more humble and less arrogant than I used to be as well. And I'm more aware of the things that need to be approached with tact. I've almost taken a nihilist viewpoint on some issue's, which is getting some edges shaved off. It's a good approach I'd say.

And as I took so much care to focus on my physical and emotional health, I can now turn inward on my spiritual goals, as well as my emotional. Taking time out to just think about our goals is great in general as well, and I believe my life will continue to unfold in wonderment, I really can't wait to see what happens. I'm able to accomplish so much that I always believed I could, I was just impaired by my physicla health. And now that that's being dealt with, I'm finally beginning to unlock more of the potential that was always in me. And with that I'll leave you a quote a freind has enlightened me with. I really should read more spiritually, but I'm too caught reading non-fiction at the moment. But I will in soon time, and you can bet on that :). What can I say, I'm definitely a person of my word now. Bah i cna't change the font colour, w/e. it's pink b/c it's copied from a girl's page.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

- by Marianne Williamson [from her book of A Return to Love]

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Tue, 10 Oct 2006 22:29:06 GMT

Lately I've been doing nothing much. These days I spend little time to writing, and I'm beginning to feel like I need to effing fucking scream! Perhaps it's hte lack of attempting what really pushes my anxiety, but all I know is it feels like I need to rant. Soo I'm going to this place, what a better place to do it then here? I suppose it's a break from teh facade I put on and all the unspoken words that take place in my conversation with my freinds. The things I'm too afriadt ospeak of, for whatever reason it be, whether it's justified or not, I still doubt myself and therefore keep quiet for the sake of bringing a conversation in teh wrong direction.

And it's this type of unspoken frustration that really seems to drive me, and I think drives everyone to some extent. It shows as some type of outburst really, but lately problems have been arising b/w me and my freinds and perhaps my anxiety comfort level just isn't with it. Perhaps I'm freaking out, I probably am, I certainly was terrified when I asked that girl for her e-mail the other day. Holy shit I still can't beleive I did that, and how! I just walked up to her and her friends and told her to write her e-mail down and name. Seeing as how it wasn't a very smooth way to do it(It coudl've been smoother) I still got it, of course now whether or not it's real will still be left up to realizing. That is after I e-mail her.

Perhaps I haven't been dancing, or doing any of my singing, or anything really that lets out enough of my energy, I feel sapped and tapped. I think it's all the bottled up anxiety really taht's getting to me, moreso the conflict of my anxiety and perfectionism just going at each other. My anxiety says make progress whatever way possible, while my perfectionism tells me, do things constructively, effectively, and try not to make too many mistakes. And I think that's one belief that I have to nail away. It's a nail I have to plcuk out and toss out. It's a rusted one as the belief is quite impossible to do. Not to make many mistakes? Aren't I human? I'm supposed to make mistakes, in fact I can't make progress without it, and I have to go on believing that.

While at hte same time music isn't holding the same value's it used to for me, why? Because the new things aren't as great as the old things. Because htey take some getting used to, because they take gettign accustomed to. I don't like trying to like things, or like constantly pushing myself to try new things. I think I'm going overboard with that, and my perfectionism is casuing me to. I shouldn't feel like I have to like new things, even though I must accept them, I suppose I should realize I don't have to like them right away. That time needs to take it's place.

Time is an element I sometimes forget. I forget to let time take it's place in the rush of trying to attain perfection, and I oftentimes forget how elusive it really is. How impossibly elusive it will always remain. Anyways there are a few things I wanted to write about in particular today among my personal opinions. I wanted to write about the value of horror movies, and jsut traumatizing things in general. I suppose I still have to come to peace with my inadequacy, or perhaps I just need to speak the fuck out about the sheer idiocy I see in it, and be okay with being critical. It brings me some anxiety I'll admit, but I'll be frank about it, I have to learn to be comfortable with offering criticism.

I just finished calibrasting my speakers, and it's frustrated the hell out of me. I calibrated it-- and made it worse! not only that, the darn program detects some polarity problems. Why? Especially when my speaker's don't have a negative and positive outlet to mix up! Ehh... Oh well, I suppose tha'ts what hte back button was for, and what eraser's are for. You'd think fine tuning your ears would offer you to move forward always, but that's just not the way life works. Sometimes we have ot take a step back to move a stepforward. I suppose that's human fallibility for you. You can't hate it, you just must accept it and move on or else it'll hold you drown in the mud.

Common Courtesey About Giving Rides

Sat, 02 Sep 2006 05:04:32 GMT

What is common courtesey, is there a universal spoken language about this? I was sitting in my friends car, and he said, "A passenger should know when they have reached their limit in being driven by a friend. The driver shouldn't have to tell him he's beign an inconvenience." Firstly, if they were my freind, gas money shouldn't be much of a problem, in fact if I were to calculate the amount of gas it costs to go from there and back. It'd be less than a buck maybe 50 cents each time. Also if they're a friend, a truer freind would be more inclined to critcize his friend and work out a system. You don't bother to correct strangers for their lack of table manners, or to scold strangers on the street when they're behaving rowdily, you'd be more inclined to ignore them and walk away.

Therefore I would think that if I, a friend, was being a nuisance to someone, they'd like to know. I'm not going to assume they'd be embaressed to say it because I'd think them cheap. If there's a universal understanding, or it was so universal, then there's no need to be embaressed to be told now is there? Simply say it, and that will be that. No need for a scolding, or pressure, it is after all a common courtesey right?

Also there's the issue of false courtesey. What is hte point in me asking to pay for gas if the guy just plainly says, "forget it" because they're too embaressed to accept moeny to pay for gas then we have ourselves in a double entendre. Why in the world someone put themselves through such needless self-banter? The reality here is that you should accept that you need to be more forthright about issue's to your friends, if it's a problem say it don't underhandedly hold a grudge. There's more inconvenience and more of a devil when your holding a grudge and not speaking letting anger boil, and spread out in other ways by sabotaging, or underhandedly hurting your friends.

Lastly, all of this has to do with a fera of being embaressed for hte sake of a friendship, and if we're speaking about being a good friend here or a good person here, then who here is the better if they manage to irrationally conclude on a fear that really isn't all that real? Embaressment is but a nuisance, not something to totally avoid. The avoidance is what makes it so scary. False courtesey, and asumming that you're being an inconvenience to other's makes for nothing but a show in the lack of confidence. And all that assuming you'd be an inconvenience to other's makes you more likely to be an inconvenience to others because you don't want to do anything to avoid inconveniencing other's.

So if you've got to speak out about something don't be afraid to speak it. It's selfish to assume everybody knows your rules, it's only right to assume that everybody else has their own familys and live by their own values. Even more selfish to assume somebody can read your mind just because it's something that's "common courtesey".

Perfectionism in materialism can be a devastating thing

Mon, 12 Jun 2006 09:20:41 GMT

WHat I obsess to a perfectionistic degree is the issue's of happiness. I think for a few seconds that, the fact that I am not living as materialistically as others that I'm losing out on life. And now I know not only I have this battle, but this brings me to important questions. An answer I've just come across is perhaps we're all conciously moving towards what we think will make us most appy, and perhaps we will get there all the same. Experiencing life to it's fullest coems to my mind for some things, but hwat scares me is how I will come to the conclusion, after living a crazy life of partying, boozing, sex(yes I said it), that I will somehow find myself too empty or too bored to want to come to anything spiritual.

That scare's me first off because I'm afriad of what my family will thinik of me after all fo this, what myfreinds woudl think of me, and what I would think of myself, what I would have done to my past. But then I suppose I can just easily twist that around by saying, that since i've missed out on much of life that in eedt omake up for it. My anxiety has staked much too much claim on my life, it has, and I think perhaps thats the prevailing issue. I don't need that crazy of a life, but I still need a damn good one damn it. Other things that scare me are issue's with a gf, and it's not that I feel that I can't get one, it's that I'm afriad to commit to any one girl for fear that I will be unfaithful to her, and the consequences for that. I'm afraid getting one and having another one come along and being unable to get that other girl out of my head. I'm afraid of my love and obsession for beauty, and I guess it has to do with my perfectionism again.

I'm just waiting for the right woman I say, and I have incredibly high standards for my women, perhaps even perfectionistic. And I'm nto sure if this is impeding my happiness or contributing to it, whether or not I can actually find satisfaction in being less materialistic. The case for that doesn't seem to be too convincing at this case in time at least. All I find is guilt, and fear, a life that I don't want to live. But I suppose other things that compell me to it are love and security.

I guess all in all, when things come down to it, it's being alone by yourself and being able to say truly to yourself(and not to yourself in an imaginary corud, or not to yourself to practice for an audience) but to yourself and saying, "I am happy with what I did today". The funny and contradicting thing about that is (and it's terrible to think double-thoughts, I know, i'm going to quit this habit) perhaps it's really just in doing it and continuing to go with it. But I suppose that doesn't contradict it, it's just a fact that's the process of it.

Perfectionism in materialism can be a devastating thing.

Guilt, Faith: Love seems to win over my fear.

Tue, 30 May 2006 00:01:00 GMT

Jokes about sex, wanting to fuck, giant condoms, I don't know if I should even laugh at dirty jokes anymore. I don't knwo if I should begin to develop a taste for htem, continue to cultivate one for them or throw it completely away. I suppose th real matter is getting together with people. I doubt whether or not being emotionally stable should feel this fucked up and unstable. My calling as a Christian to laugh or not laugh at this gets to me, and I supose it's the matter of sacrifice, if you're christian you shoudl be okay with it shouldn't you? You should-- but that's not always how it will be? It's a sacrifice, going against hte culture means going against what makes you happy. I think my biggest contention wiht it is goign against something that everybody loves for your beliefs. I guess that's respectable, but what hte fuck is respectable unless you know what truth is?

And it's this invisible reward, it's not even a reward unless you have other church members' to enjoy your good time with. Which then makes it a matter of getting together with the church because of your influence. So really the real matter with truth, and with hating such things or seeing htem as despicable is a measure of social control. So what then is truth and where can you find it? On your own because rewarding yourself with behaviour for your circumstances and by creating your own by being a good christian and continually attending the church and developing a network of religious friends who all hold the same beliefs and walk the same path.

All I see in the faith right now is a means of gathering a social croud that enjoys certain types of things above others, and I see no piont in being too rigidly christian, which then makes me doubt the truht of things. Where and how does it stand when it's left to nothing? It stands on dogmatic authority, no real evidence, and there's no arguement against that, and as mcuh as I hate to say it, it seems pathetic that the Christian faith continues it's barrage and to live in spite of all of this. All because we're human, because we can't figure anythign out, and because we'd rather be safe than sorry. That's fucking bullshit and bleivee me I want to find God, or be Christian, it's just fucking hard to when you see it not really standing up to critique. When most of it seems to break down in the rule of arguement. Yet I still choose to believe? Why? Because I'd rather be safe than sorry? No, not only that. That's simply the exterior of it, the true core is through love, that's why I'll fucking stay Christian. Because of Love. And love had better damn well serve me better than anything else. ANd I wouldn't begin to know how, I suppose it would start with going to church more often. Which makes me think-- if it's JUST church however, how far can you go? And I can't follow faith blindly, no in fact I refuse to. I'll hold that crap to contempt.

But my largest obstacle agianst faith is guilt, I mean what real purpose does it have? I'm not okay with being over-guilty, I've been it, and I've found I'm being guilty for no damn reason. I have enough unwarranted, unjustified, and unsubstantiated guilt, and it's fukcing pointless. In fact it ceases me from enjoying my life more than not, so it's lost it's function, and I'm all for functionality.

On another note, my health is going up the ladder, slowly but surely(although much too slowly for my liking) but I suppose it means I just have to push myself, which I came to the realization of with horror. It's funny because going through pain is something we must do in order to enjoy more, and it's an odd concept. Just like the paradox I came upon the other day.

My perfectionistic Thoughts are getting to me, and it's about basically sweating. I have to get through that, for some reason I think that sweating all over my body and not moving will prevent me from a catastrophe. The catastrophe is walking around smelling like garbage because i'd let hte sweat seep through all my clothes. THe false logic in this is how I think i'll stink less if I don't move a muscle(and it does terrible for my musculoskeletal health) so meanwhile I'm not moving in a state of anxiety(maybe 7.5 on a scale to ten 10) I don't want to spread the sweat to all of the rest of my clothes so it doens't absorb the stench. Thing is I don't know how badly I stink(probably a little sour), but who's not smelling sour in this weather? I thought today realizing my embaressment to be so foolish (but making sure not to berate myself too hard for it. You see, I'm working quite well to obtain my happiness) and glanced at m y fish thinking how lucky they were not to ever get to sweat.

But I countered that realizing, they cna't even survive outisde of land, of course htey don't sweat. Dog's pant, humans sweat, and lizards going into area's of shade daring not to sit out in the hot heat, while we can do all of this and yet we're complaining about how we'll stink? Nature gave us the ability to survive outside in the heat, and all I can think about is how I'll stink. Even worse, when I don't even think I'll stink so much and when nobody has even commented on whether or not I stink besides my family. And my mom's sense of smell is much too sensitive while my brother is a twig himself, so why should I care what he has to say?

Anyways... I think that's all I ahve to say.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Sun, 28 May 2006 06:22:30 GMT

I'm going totake back what's mine. What's rightfully mine. What's truthfully the child of a my absolute undisturbed diligence, something I had never before been fortunate enough to gain. Something that I will take, and make up for all the wrongs that I've done, and for all the little things that have lead me into a trap. For all the things that I've missed out, I will make up for it with these times. And no, I will not guilt myself, I will not think back on the past of what is lost. And I will not hurt myself as much as I did unconciously anymore, for I will gain and continue to gain a much more functional illuminating conciousness to my own being, and keep picking at the cake of happiness. And perhaps even grab a slice while I'm at it. No, I will reach for the whole thing.

We take for granted for too much of what they have, and only experience, usually the most visceral ones are the best to wake us up. You can read and learn about someting all you like, and you still wouldn't have a true clue of what it's really about until you experience it. You can only merely simulate it in your mind, and I suppose it is the experience and diligence of putting forth all the difficult effort in order to get passed my crisis that will really transform me. And I look forward to it, because I always continue to find a way to it.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Thu, 25 May 2006 04:54:10 GMT

I hate progress. I hate blind pride, I hate big-ups, I hate all of that becuase that is not what makes a person righteous. It's what makes a person SEEM more righteous, and yet I'm left here to think. We can either be so great with our intellects to take what we want through a guise or self-righteousness, or to take what we want with hard effort. And truth must prevail over all-- not it musn't. Perhaps that's something I'm left to reconsider. Maybe truth doesn't have to prevail over everything, maybe that's just hte way the world works, and if so. Then what am I doing arguing? If I think on this, I realize many things occur. A total shift in my motives, actions, life decisions, all become a lot different. I suppose it's like paradigm shifting in a way. And I fear it, as I fear moving away from the truth since I fear being upfront about my opinions of the lack of harmony among opinions. Perhaps I fear disagreeal's too much because of my social phobia still. And if that's simply the case, the nI have to put those things aside so I can deal with these issue's on their own. Or... no, I have to realize why I'm afraid, and I think I'm afraid because I think people will criticize the fuck out of me for putting myself otu there. And that's the scariest thing about it, when you put yourself out there you're bound to get critcized, and it's the scariest thing about being OUT there. And it's probably why public speaking is people's no. 1 fear. The public's number 1 fear. So we all fear it, and I suppose other's to a lesser degree. Does it simply take controlling it? Perhaps all it takes is realizing you ahve hte fear nad pushign through like I'm doing iwth my perfectinoism and social phobia.

And I'm quite sure that's all it takes, the question still remains to me however, is it right to? And if I'm goign to ask that question, the answer seems obvious to me, and it seems like I get hte feeling is goign to be "no". But that's for various reasons simply because your family friends, or anybody close to you or far away from you, doesn't want you to be in teh spotlight because they want it. And I hate to think on thigns like that becuase ti almsot take s a dark view on human nature, but I suppose its' the truth. Which brings me to think perhaps religion has the same motive. Simply to suppress other people's power for fear of losing their own, and it is the leader's who think like this. Which means that guilt, the only purpose it serves(and a useful one) is to tone down teh behaviour of other's so you cna stay in power. This, if you're thinking in an evolutionary sense keeps the mass at bay.

The political arena, from these obviously biased opinions of course seem to be filled with all this crap and power struggle. Who wants ot lead if leading involves all of this? Will there ever be any leader's with a true motive? What should their true motive even be? For the people? Being a leader requires sacrifice, but how can you speak what's right and do what's right when there is little reward in it? What then shoudl we follow? Do what we can to reason with ourselves and to get where we think things should be and I suppose the reason and motive will unveil itself. But how cna it ever dodge the paranoid and consistantly critical eye?

which brings me to a closer question, do we all believe this at some level and are simply blind to the truth? Blind to our own motive? Blind to our own selfishness? I really should type when I feel betterl, my fucking back hurts

I hate being angry, I hate being rebellious, and I hate acting in a way that makes me difficult to deal with... It feels like I'll drift away forever, it feels like my anger will make me so unreasonable, that I'll accept everything that will make me more angry. And that hte truth w/e it is, should be it. That my opinion really is... is the easiest thing to accept and make me angry, even if it makes me angrier. I think that's what arguing does, so long as there are people to challenge you, you'll accept it. ANd I love the chruch for that. I think I do love the chruch for that.

But anger looks to boil itself, and it's self-destructive and fucking stupid... At least my anger does.

I thikn if anything I fear getting angry. I fear getting angry, and being out of control with my anger, because when I am angry-- i mean enraged, I want to destroy my opponent and enrage my opponent. I don't care if it destroys me in teh process, so long as I get my revenge, that's the way anger works isn't it? Or is that hte way out of control rage works? Fucking destructive rage... I hate it and I fear it because I hate it. And yet I must find a way to control it, not suppress it, not contain it, but to undersatnd it, and let it leak. But I have to be okay with apologizing, I have to learn to be okay with that, and i have to learn to be okay with letting people be angry at me. I have to stop fearing anger, because I feel that any anger(which is disapproval, I would count disapproval, disappointment as anger as well) destroys us. And it feels like i'm the only one that feels this way.

Quarter-life crisis

Mon, 22 May 2006 04:11:44 GMT

It’s strange being as old as I am and being at the step-road that I’m on. It’s odd… I almost feel like a failure living as I do. What do I do? I mean where am I at in my life? I’m not at the stage where I have found my passion. I am at the stage at where I am discovering them, and where I am testing each passion out. Growing up is a funny matter, because the older you get the less you realize you should label and criticize, especially those who are younger, especially those who are in high school. Why? Because it feels like I’m still that student who was in high school, things aren’t any easier, in fact they’re harder, and I’m at the stretch where life is the most difficult.

It’s funny being young, you almost take adulthood to be this black and white transition, but the older you get, the more you realize how many grey area’s there are. I find more of this in my everyday revelations. The more you learn to even relate with the oldest of people, because well, quite simply you realize the old man next to you is not much different than you. And while there may be differences, it’s not something you’d ridicule, because knowing how they turned out the way they are, helps you understand yourself. Getting older humbles you because you realize more and more how the world “ought to be”. And I put that in quotes because as we grow up we all have this image in our minds, of how old people ought to be and that they should be nice, mature and serene like they are on TV. And when you see an old woman haggling you from her door or staring at you from her window to make sure you don’t’ do anything you think, “Man, how did she grow old and sour? I thought being older makes you wiser, not the opposite.”

But it’s easy to realize now, because growing up takes a lot of effort. It takes a helluva an amount of effort, and even more to realize the micro changes that occur from growing up. They are nothing stellar and eye-catching like a rainbow suddenly shooting through the sky. It’s nothing that is totally in your face. The things that are totally in your face, are success, and success doesn’t come in an fortnight. No, in fact, you may not even come upon it in your lifetime if you don’t constantly focus on it. That’s just how difficult it is to grasp.

I also find that the older I get, the more I’m able to see everybody as equal’s, and I had never even thought of it. It’s funny because when I was younger and had seen two teacher’s interacting, one being 50 and the other being in their mid twenties. I’d of taken them both to be at the same stages in life when they really could be the farthest from it. That young teacher that just got their teaching degree could be out of teaching within the next few years and jumping onto another career. Perhaps it’s the fear of authority that has lead me to be so blind, perhaps it was this mask of keeping me naïve that my parents bred upon me by their lack of shoving responsibilities onto us. Perhaps it was the lack of communication, perhaps it was a lot of things, and it most likely is. For I don’t think everybody goes through these crises in their life.

All of this combined has lead me to think like an ageist, gosh, and to think a year ago, I had not even known the term existed. I suppose learning all of this is what develops what we call inner security, something that need not to be spoken to others(at least not all the time) as it becomes intrinsically understood depending on where your groups of friends exist. It’s something taken to be understood by the course of your conversations and interactions. But all of this of course requires an evolution in your level of interaction, and self-expression. And I think that’s what much of growing up is about. This peeling of the onion is a continual work in progress, much like we should always think ourselves to be. It certainly would bring us better peace to.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Tue, 09 May 2006 07:02:56 GMT

Well I'M PISSED OFF. FOR A GOOD few reasons, I don't know I just feel so totally out of control. So totally useless. It feels like my dreams are getting shattered right before my very eyes, the extent to which I can reach them being immobilized and more and more out of reach. I hate this feeling. Nerve damage is occurring again, and the numbness, muscle loss, strange sensations waking up, all of that is occurring once again, and I don’t know what to do about it... my hands hurt perhaps I should stop using the computer. Perhaps I should relax on my smash skills, perhaps I should stop. Bu I’m addicting myself, getting perfectionistic, thinking I can achieve all of hits at this time, I should be able to. Whatever "should" means, and I think I should stop realizing what shoulds are and deal with life as it is. I "should" win; well life isn't exactly the way it should be now is it? So it's best not to keep thinking about useless things like that. Such things don't even help.

The other reasons, I have loads of homework, I mean so much. 4 ISU's that I should be, 1 finished, and the rest, halfway past through, and the other almost finished. Gosh.......... I'm so stressed out, I can’t focus obsessively on my hobbies, which are at the moment a lot do with gaming, and I can't purely focus on those either. I'm focusing on it so much too... My perfectionistic tendencies and the amount of effort that goes into it and the amount of reward that comes out is not worth it. The juice is not worth the squeeze... I suppose that's what most of life is about, I have to return some books tomorrow to the library, I wish I could get them renewed, I’ll try asking, it'll be an anxiety exercise since I’m so nervous about it. Thinking the counter will think I’m stupid for asking on the last day when I know its' against their policy, or perhaps should know. I don't care, it doesn’t' mean I'm stupid just because I'm trying to get my own way through things. I suppose we're all a little demanding, and I guess I have this belief that I should NOT trouble or inconvenience other people, and it's a false belief so I'll get rid of it. Especially in this democratic society.

I'm going to do some homework.

In other news, E3 has released information about the ps3 and the new game called "Eight Days", is simply mind blowing. I mean, we're there, as a gamer, I finally see that the developers are finally moving to where they want their games to be. A simulation or even emulation of real-life, and it's definitely exciting to see. My passion for videogames and almost being a videogame writer seem to be coming out of me. My friend wants me to open an ipod blogger with a mic (forgot what it's called at the moment) about video games, a topic I can talk for hours about. And I suppose it's like that what happened at the film festival the other day that I was at. Life really involves much of your network, as you can see opportunities or facets of your personality begin to mold simply on the basis of your interactions, it's happening to me, and I think it happens easily to all of us, who aren't more aware of it. For those who are less of aware of it, become caught up in the bad habits that our friends have. I'm done here; my fingers are tired of doing this work.

PS: I've edited this, for the first time. I'm dealing with some of my comfort issue's which is the cold, and the pain in my hands, since they're muscoloskeletal problems. I've learned to counter-act them.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Wed, 03 May 2006 11:51:18 GMT

People... an interaction with people does more to me than I thought. Memories htoughts sensations, I guess a lto of this and a lot of my crappy day had to do with many thigns. First off, not being able to do the homeowrk. That terrible feeling of not beign able to do it jsut simply took over, and my procrastination jsut ruined my entire day. It made me hate what I was doing.

I get that feeling often, I hate what I'm doing when I know I'm procrastinating. I d o it to motivate myself and guilt myself into actually doing it-- or i guess the guitl mechanism is there from my terrible behaviour and my lack of action. I'm supposed to be at school right now. I gotta go to school...

Fuck I just got to go. I wish I could not care. But ... my fear is really getting at me. I'd liek to relax today, I just want to relax. I watn to spend a day just to relax... I want to relax... i want thirty minutes to relax. I want to go home and relax. I want to go home from school after class, and relax. I just really need some peace.

And I need to fight my fear. I must fight my fear. Yet I have this terrible inclination towards hating effort. I HATE exerting the effort to just get to where I want. There's just so much in the way that makes me hate it.

Beautiful people. What is up with them? Especially girls, they really piss me off. And yet I can't stop loving them, I wish i could, but hating beauty requires a conscious effort htat I'd rather not pull myself into. Either direction does. So I'm sitting in the middle... The absolute worst place to be? I'd think not... not always. For me, especially, sitting in the middle does not meant o settle, no. It means to stop and be okay with imperfections with all the wrongs in life, wiht all the ups and downs with all that crap that we have to put up with, and just be okay with it.

I'm going to school.