Lately I've been doing nothing much.  These days I spend little time to writing, and I'm beginning to feel like I need to effing fucking scream!  Perhaps it's hte lack of attempting what really pushes my anxiety, but all I know is it feels like I need to rant.  Soo I'm going to this place, what a better place to do it then here?  I suppose it's a break from teh facade I put on and all the unspoken words that take place in my conversation with my freinds.  The things I'm too afriadt ospeak of, for whatever reason it be, whether it's justified or not, I still doubt myself and therefore keep quiet for the sake of bringing a conversation in teh wrong direction. 

And it's this type of unspoken frustration that really seems to drive me, and I think drives everyone to some extent.  It shows as some type of outburst really, but lately problems have been arising b/w me and my freinds and perhaps my anxiety comfort level just isn't with it.  Perhaps I'm freaking out, I probably am, I certainly was terrified when I asked that girl for her e-mail the other day.  Holy shit I still can't beleive I did that, and how!  I just walked up to her and her friends and told her to write her e-mail down and name.  Seeing as how it wasn't a very smooth way to do it(It coudl've been smoother) I still got it, of course now whether or not it's real will still be left up to realizing.  That is after I e-mail her. 

Perhaps I haven't been dancing, or doing any of my singing, or anything really that lets out enough of my energy, I feel sapped and tapped.  I think it's all the bottled up anxiety really taht's getting to me, moreso the conflict of my anxiety and perfectionism just going at each other.  My anxiety says make progress whatever way possible, while my perfectionism tells me, do things constructively, effectively, and try not to make too many mistakes.  And I think that's one belief that I have to nail away.  It's a nail I have to plcuk out and toss out.  It's a rusted one as the belief is quite impossible to do.  Not to make many mistakes?  Aren't I human?  I'm supposed to make mistakes, in fact I can't make progress without it, and I have to go on believing that. 

While at hte same time music isn't holding the same value's it used to for me, why?  Because the new things aren't as great as the old things.  Because htey take some getting used to, because they take gettign accustomed to.  I don't like trying to like things, or like constantly pushing myself to try new things.  I think I'm going overboard with that, and my perfectionism is casuing me to.  I shouldn't feel like I have to like new things, even though I must accept them, I suppose I should realize I don't have to like them right away.  That time needs to take it's place. 

Time is an element I sometimes forget.  I forget to let time take it's place in the rush of trying to attain perfection, and I oftentimes forget how elusive it really is.  How impossibly elusive it will always remain.  Anyways there are a few things I wanted to write about in particular today among my personal opinions.  I wanted to write about the value of horror movies, and jsut traumatizing things in general.  I suppose I still have to come to peace with my inadequacy, or perhaps I just need to speak the fuck out about the sheer idiocy I see in it, and be okay with being critical.  It brings me some anxiety I'll admit, but I'll be frank about it, I have to learn to be comfortable with offering criticism.

I just finished calibrasting my speakers, and it's frustrated the hell out of me.  I calibrated it-- and made it worse!  not only that, the darn program detects some polarity problems.  Why?  Especially when my speaker's don't have a negative and positive outlet to mix up!  Ehh... Oh well, I suppose tha'ts what hte back button was for, and what eraser's are for.  You'd think fine tuning your ears would offer you to move forward always, but that's just not the way life works.  Sometimes we have ot take a step back to move a stepforward.  I suppose that's human fallibility for you.  You can't hate it, you just must accept it and move on or else it'll hold you drown in the mud.