WHat I obsess to a perfectionistic degree is the issue's of happiness. I think for a few seconds that, the fact that I am not living as materialistically as others that I'm losing out on life. And now I know not only I have this battle, but this brings me to important questions. An answer I've just come across is perhaps we're all conciously moving towards what we think will make us most appy, and perhaps we will get there all the same. Experiencing life to it's fullest coems to my mind for some things, but hwat scares me is how I will come to the conclusion, after living a crazy life of partying, boozing, sex(yes I said it), that I will somehow find myself too empty or too bored to want to come to anything spiritual.

That scare's me first off because I'm afriad of what my family will thinik of me after all fo this, what myfreinds woudl think of me, and what I would think of myself, what I would have done to my past. But then I suppose I can just easily twist that around by saying, that since i've missed out on much of life that in eedt omake up for it. My anxiety has staked much too much claim on my life, it has, and I think perhaps thats the prevailing issue. I don't need that crazy of a life, but I still need a damn good one damn it. Other things that scare me are issue's with a gf, and it's not that I feel that I can't get one, it's that I'm afriad to commit to any one girl for fear that I will be unfaithful to her, and the consequences for that. I'm afraid getting one and having another one come along and being unable to get that other girl out of my head. I'm afraid of my love and obsession for beauty, and I guess it has to do with my perfectionism again.

I'm just waiting for the right woman I say, and I have incredibly high standards for my women, perhaps even perfectionistic. And I'm nto sure if this is impeding my happiness or contributing to it, whether or not I can actually find satisfaction in being less materialistic. The case for that doesn't seem to be too convincing at this case in time at least. All I find is guilt, and fear, a life that I don't want to live. But I suppose other things that compell me to it are love and security.

I guess all in all, when things come down to it, it's being alone by yourself and being able to say truly to yourself(and not to yourself in an imaginary corud, or not to yourself to practice for an audience) but to yourself and saying, "I am happy with what I did today". The funny and contradicting thing about that is (and it's terrible to think double-thoughts, I know, i'm going to quit this habit) perhaps it's really just in doing it and continuing to go with it. But I suppose that doesn't contradict it, it's just a fact that's the process of it.

Perfectionism in materialism can be a devastating thing.