Jokes about sex, wanting to fuck, giant condoms, I don't know if I should even laugh at dirty jokes anymore.  I don't knwo if I should begin to develop a taste for htem, continue to cultivate one for them or throw it completely away.  I suppose th real matter is getting together with people.  I doubt whether or not being emotionally stable should feel this fucked up and unstable.  My calling as a Christian to laugh or not laugh at this gets to me, and I supose it's the matter of sacrifice, if you're christian you shoudl be okay with it shouldn't you?  You should-- but that's not always how it will be?  It's a sacrifice, going against hte culture means going against what makes you happy.  I think my biggest contention wiht it is goign against something that everybody loves for your beliefs.  I guess that's respectable, but what hte fuck is respectable unless you know what truth is?

And it's this invisible reward, it's not even a reward unless you have other church members' to enjoy your good time with.  Which then makes it a matter of getting together with the church because of your influence.  So really the real matter with truth, and with hating such things or seeing htem as despicable is a measure of social control.  So what then is truth and where can you find it?  On your own because rewarding yourself with behaviour for your circumstances and by creating your own by being a good christian and continually attending the church and developing a network of religious friends who all hold the same beliefs and walk the same path. 

All I see in the faith right now is a means of gathering a social croud that enjoys certain types of things above others, and I see no piont in being too rigidly christian, which then makes me doubt the truht of things.  Where and how does it stand when it's left to nothing?  It stands on dogmatic authority, no real evidence, and there's no arguement against that, and as mcuh as I hate to say it, it seems pathetic that the Christian faith continues it's barrage and to live in spite of all of this.  All because we're human, because we can't figure anythign out, and because we'd rather be safe than sorry.  That's fucking bullshit and bleivee me I want to find God, or be Christian, it's just fucking hard to when you see it not really standing up to critique.  When most of it seems to break down in the rule of arguement.  Yet I still choose to believe?  Why?  Because I'd rather be safe than sorry?  No, not only that.  That's simply the exterior of it, the true core is through love, that's why I'll fucking stay Christian.  Because of Love.  And love had better damn well serve me better than anything else.  ANd I wouldn't begin to know how, I suppose it would start with going to church more often.  Which makes me think-- if it's JUST church however, how far can you go?  And I can't follow faith blindly, no in fact I refuse to.  I'll hold that crap to contempt.

But my largest obstacle agianst faith is guilt, I mean what real purpose does it have?  I'm not okay with being over-guilty, I've been it, and I've found I'm being guilty for no damn reason.  I have enough unwarranted, unjustified, and unsubstantiated guilt, and it's fukcing pointless.  In fact it ceases me from enjoying my life more than not, so it's lost it's function, and I'm all for functionality.

On another note, my health is going up the ladder, slowly but surely(although much too slowly for my liking) but I suppose it means I just have to push myself, which I came to the realization of with horror.  It's funny because going through pain is something we must do in order to enjoy more, and it's an odd concept.  Just like the paradox I came upon the other day. 

My perfectionistic Thoughts are getting to me, and it's about basically sweating.  I have to get through that, for some reason I think that sweating all over my body and not moving will prevent me from a catastrophe.  The catastrophe is walking around smelling like garbage because i'd let hte sweat seep through all my clothes.  THe false logic in this is how I think i'll stink less if I don't move a muscle(and it does terrible for my musculoskeletal health) so meanwhile I'm not moving in a state of anxiety(maybe 7.5 on a scale to ten 10) I don't want to spread the sweat to all of the rest of my clothes so it doens't absorb the stench.  Thing is I don't know how badly I stink(probably a little sour), but who's not smelling sour in this weather?  I thought today realizing my embaressment to be so foolish (but making sure not to berate myself too hard for it.  You see, I'm working quite well to obtain my happiness) and glanced at m y fish thinking how lucky they were not to ever get to sweat. 

But I countered that realizing, they cna't even survive outisde of land, of course htey don't sweat.  Dog's pant, humans sweat, and lizards going into area's of shade daring not to sit out in the hot heat, while we can do all of this and yet we're complaining about how we'll stink?  Nature gave us the ability to survive outside in the heat, and all I can think about is how I'll stink.  Even worse, when I don't even think I'll stink so much and when nobody has even commented on whether or not I stink besides my family.  And my mom's sense of smell is much too sensitive while my brother is a twig himself, so why should I care what he has to say?

Anyways...  I think that's all I ahve to say.