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| Life's changing, and people around me are beginning to move and evolve in marvelous ways. It's hapepning in so many areas, much more than one. Whether it be around on the internet, past friends from school, close personal friends whom I've lost contact with, and new freinds. And the change is definitely something positive, and needless to say I can a lot of it also is coming from me. I've come to accept a lot more in life, and to be able to let things go, adn as a result, I've accomplished a lot more. I'm less caring about what other's have to negatively think of me, and will continue in caring less of what people have to think about me. I beleive if we are to care less about how we feel about other's judging us, we can care more about the reality that is going on around us. And in effect make our own realities. I'm listening more, enjoying more, having more fun, organizing more, and definitely accomplishing more. I'm ridding myself of much of my negativity and indulging life for what it has. I'm laerning to under-react to circumstances when it proves necessary a little more as well. Overall developing a schedule has definitely helped me out, and my relationships constantly evolve with my firneds. Meeting so many conflict situations has certainly helped me face them head on. I'm also laughing at the things that used ot make me angry, simpyl becuase I've come to the realization that some things are better laughed. I think it's the scheduling of things that makes for such able accomplishment. I think less on things and just do them, and then think afterwards. I've found that it works pretty well. I'm more humble and less arrogant than I used to be as well. And I'm more aware of the things that need to be approached with tact. I've almost taken a nihilist viewpoint on some issue's, which is getting some edges shaved off. It's a good approach I'd say. And as I took so much care to focus on my physical and emotional health, I can now turn inward on my spiritual goals, as well as my emotional. Taking time out to just think about our goals is great in general as well, and I believe my life will continue to unfold in wonderment, I really can't wait to see what happens. I'm able to accomplish so much that I always believed I could, I was just impaired by my physicla health. And now that that's being dealt with, I'm finally beginning to unlock more of the potential that was always in me. And with that I'll leave you a quote a freind has enlightened me with. I really should read more spiritually, but I'm too caught reading non-fiction at the moment. But I will in soon time, and you can bet on that :). What can I say, I'm definitely a person of my word now. Bah i cna't change the font colour, w/e. it's pink b/c it's copied from a girl's page. "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
- by Marianne Williamson [from her book of A Return to Love] | | |
| Lately I've been doing nothing much. These days I spend little time to writing, and I'm beginning to feel like I need to effing fucking scream! Perhaps it's hte lack of attempting what really pushes my anxiety, but all I know is it feels like I need to rant. Soo I'm going to this place, what a better place to do it then here? I suppose it's a break from teh facade I put on and all the unspoken words that take place in my conversation with my freinds. The things I'm too afriadt ospeak of, for whatever reason it be, whether it's justified or not, I still doubt myself and therefore keep quiet for the sake of bringing a conversation in teh wrong direction. And it's this type of unspoken frustration that really seems to drive me, and I think drives everyone to some extent. It shows as some type of outburst really, but lately problems have been arising b/w me and my freinds and perhaps my anxiety comfort level just isn't with it. Perhaps I'm freaking out, I probably am, I certainly was terrified when I asked that girl for her e-mail the other day. Holy shit I still can't beleive I did that, and how! I just walked up to her and her friends and told her to write her e-mail down and name. Seeing as how it wasn't a very smooth way to do it(It coudl've been smoother) I still got it, of course now whether or not it's real will still be left up to realizing. That is after I e-mail her. Perhaps I haven't been dancing, or doing any of my singing, or anything really that lets out enough of my energy, I feel sapped and tapped. I think it's all the bottled up anxiety really taht's getting to me, moreso the conflict of my anxiety and perfectionism just going at each other. My anxiety says make progress whatever way possible, while my perfectionism tells me, do things constructively, effectively, and try not to make too many mistakes. And I think that's one belief that I have to nail away. It's a nail I have to plcuk out and toss out. It's a rusted one as the belief is quite impossible to do. Not to make many mistakes? Aren't I human? I'm supposed to make mistakes, in fact I can't make progress without it, and I have to go on believing that. While at hte same time music isn't holding the same value's it used to for me, why? Because the new things aren't as great as the old things. Because htey take some getting used to, because they take gettign accustomed to. I don't like trying to like things, or like constantly pushing myself to try new things. I think I'm going overboard with that, and my perfectionism is casuing me to. I shouldn't feel like I have to like new things, even though I must accept them, I suppose I should realize I don't have to like them right away. That time needs to take it's place. Time is an element I sometimes forget. I forget to let time take it's place in the rush of trying to attain perfection, and I oftentimes forget how elusive it really is. How impossibly elusive it will always remain. Anyways there are a few things I wanted to write about in particular today among my personal opinions. I wanted to write about the value of horror movies, and jsut traumatizing things in general. I suppose I still have to come to peace with my inadequacy, or perhaps I just need to speak the fuck out about the sheer idiocy I see in it, and be okay with being critical. It brings me some anxiety I'll admit, but I'll be frank about it, I have to learn to be comfortable with offering criticism. I just finished calibrasting my speakers, and it's frustrated the hell out of me. I calibrated it-- and made it worse! not only that, the darn program detects some polarity problems. Why? Especially when my speaker's don't have a negative and positive outlet to mix up! Ehh... Oh well, I suppose tha'ts what hte back button was for, and what eraser's are for. You'd think fine tuning your ears would offer you to move forward always, but that's just not the way life works. Sometimes we have ot take a step back to move a stepforward. I suppose that's human fallibility for you. You can't hate it, you just must accept it and move on or else it'll hold you drown in the mud. | | |
| What is common courtesey, is there a universal spoken language about this? I was sitting in my friends car, and he said, "A passenger should know when they have reached their limit in being driven by a friend. The driver shouldn't have to tell him he's beign an inconvenience." Firstly, if they were my freind, gas money shouldn't be much of a problem, in fact if I were to calculate the amount of gas it costs to go from there and back. It'd be less than a buck maybe 50 cents each time. Also if they're a friend, a truer freind would be more inclined to critcize his friend and work out a system. You don't bother to correct strangers for their lack of table manners, or to scold strangers on the street when they're behaving rowdily, you'd be more inclined to ignore them and walk away. Therefore I would think that if I, a friend, was being a nuisance to someone, they'd like to know. I'm not going to assume they'd be embaressed to say it because I'd think them cheap. If there's a universal understanding, or it was so universal, then there's no need to be embaressed to be told now is there? Simply say it, and that will be that. No need for a scolding, or pressure, it is after all a common courtesey right? Also there's the issue of false courtesey. What is hte point in me asking to pay for gas if the guy just plainly says, "forget it" because they're too embaressed to accept moeny to pay for gas then we have ourselves in a double entendre. Why in the world someone put themselves through such needless self-banter? The reality here is that you should accept that you need to be more forthright about issue's to your friends, if it's a problem say it don't underhandedly hold a grudge. There's more inconvenience and more of a devil when your holding a grudge and not speaking letting anger boil, and spread out in other ways by sabotaging, or underhandedly hurting your friends. Lastly, all of this has to do with a fera of being embaressed for hte sake of a friendship, and if we're speaking about being a good friend here or a good person here, then who here is the better if they manage to irrationally conclude on a fear that really isn't all that real? Embaressment is but a nuisance, not something to totally avoid. The avoidance is what makes it so scary. False courtesey, and asumming that you're being an inconvenience to other's makes for nothing but a show in the lack of confidence. And all that assuming you'd be an inconvenience to other's makes you more likely to be an inconvenience to others because you don't want to do anything to avoid inconveniencing other's. So if you've got to speak out about something don't be afraid to speak it. It's selfish to assume everybody knows your rules, it's only right to assume that everybody else has their own familys and live by their own values. Even more selfish to assume somebody can read your mind just because it's something that's "common courtesey". | | |
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WHat I obsess to a perfectionistic degree is the issue's of happiness. I think for a few seconds that, the fact that I am not living as materialistically as others that I'm losing out on life. And now I know not only I have this battle, but this brings me to important questions. An answer I've just come across is perhaps we're all conciously moving towards what we think will make us most appy, and perhaps we will get there all the same. Experiencing life to it's fullest coems to my mind for some things, but hwat scares me is how I will come to the conclusion, after living a crazy life of partying, boozing, sex(yes I said it), that I will somehow find myself too empty or too bored to want to come to anything spiritual.
That scare's me first off because I'm afriad of what my family will thinik of me after all fo this, what myfreinds woudl think of me, and what I would think of myself, what I would have done to my past. But then I suppose I can just easily twist that around by saying, that since i've missed out on much of life that in eedt omake up for it. My anxiety has staked much too much claim on my life, it has, and I think perhaps thats the prevailing issue. I don't need that crazy of a life, but I still need a damn good one damn it. Other things that scare me are issue's with a gf, and it's not that I feel that I can't get one, it's that I'm afriad to commit to any one girl for fear that I will be unfaithful to her, and the consequences for that. I'm afraid getting one and having another one come along and being unable to get that other girl out of my head. I'm afraid of my love and obsession for beauty, and I guess it has to do with my perfectionism again.
I'm just waiting for the right woman I say, and I have incredibly high standards for my women, perhaps even perfectionistic. And I'm nto sure if this is impeding my happiness or contributing to it, whether or not I can actually find satisfaction in being less materialistic. The case for that doesn't seem to be too convincing at this case in time at least. All I find is guilt, and fear, a life that I don't want to live. But I suppose other things that compell me to it are love and security.
I guess all in all, when things come down to it, it's being alone by yourself and being able to say truly to yourself(and not to yourself in an imaginary corud, or not to yourself to practice for an audience) but to yourself and saying, "I am happy with what I did today". The funny and contradicting thing about that is (and it's terrible to think double-thoughts, I know, i'm going to quit this habit) perhaps it's really just in doing it and continuing to go with it. But I suppose that doesn't contradict it, it's just a fact that's the process of it.
Perfectionism in materialism can be a devastating thing. | | |
| Jokes about sex, wanting to fuck, giant condoms, I don't know if I should even laugh at dirty jokes anymore. I don't knwo if I should begin to develop a taste for htem, continue to cultivate one for them or throw it completely away. I suppose th real matter is getting together with people. I doubt whether or not being emotionally stable should feel this fucked up and unstable. My calling as a Christian to laugh or not laugh at this gets to me, and I supose it's the matter of sacrifice, if you're christian you shoudl be okay with it shouldn't you? You should-- but that's not always how it will be? It's a sacrifice, going against hte culture means going against what makes you happy. I think my biggest contention wiht it is goign against something that everybody loves for your beliefs. I guess that's respectable, but what hte fuck is respectable unless you know what truth is?
And it's this invisible reward, it's not even a reward unless you have other church members' to enjoy your good time with. Which then makes it a matter of getting together with the church because of your influence. So really the real matter with truth, and with hating such things or seeing htem as despicable is a measure of social control. So what then is truth and where can you find it? On your own because rewarding yourself with behaviour for your circumstances and by creating your own by being a good christian and continually attending the church and developing a network of religious friends who all hold the same beliefs and walk the same path.
All I see in the faith right now is a means of gathering a social croud that enjoys certain types of things above others, and I see no piont in being too rigidly christian, which then makes me doubt the truht of things. Where and how does it stand when it's left to nothing? It stands on dogmatic authority, no real evidence, and there's no arguement against that, and as mcuh as I hate to say it, it seems pathetic that the Christian faith continues it's barrage and to live in spite of all of this. All because we're human, because we can't figure anythign out, and because we'd rather be safe than sorry. That's fucking bullshit and bleivee me I want to find God, or be Christian, it's just fucking hard to when you see it not really standing up to critique. When most of it seems to break down in the rule of arguement. Yet I still choose to believe? Why? Because I'd rather be safe than sorry? No, not only that. That's simply the exterior of it, the true core is through love, that's why I'll fucking stay Christian. Because of Love. And love had better damn well serve me better than anything else. ANd I wouldn't begin to know how, I suppose it would start with going to church more often. Which makes me think-- if it's JUST church however, how far can you go? And I can't follow faith blindly, no in fact I refuse to. I'll hold that crap to contempt.
But my largest obstacle agianst faith is guilt, I mean what real purpose does it have? I'm not okay with being over-guilty, I've been it, and I've found I'm being guilty for no damn reason. I have enough unwarranted, unjustified, and unsubstantiated guilt, and it's fukcing pointless. In fact it ceases me from enjoying my life more than not, so it's lost it's function, and I'm all for functionality.
On another note, my health is going up the ladder, slowly but surely(although much too slowly for my liking) but I suppose it means I just have to push myself, which I came to the realization of with horror. It's funny because going through pain is something we must do in order to enjoy more, and it's an odd concept. Just like the paradox I came upon the other day.
My perfectionistic Thoughts are getting to me, and it's about basically sweating. I have to get through that, for some reason I think that sweating all over my body and not moving will prevent me from a catastrophe. The catastrophe is walking around smelling like garbage because i'd let hte sweat seep through all my clothes. THe false logic in this is how I think i'll stink less if I don't move a muscle(and it does terrible for my musculoskeletal health) so meanwhile I'm not moving in a state of anxiety(maybe 7.5 on a scale to ten 10) I don't want to spread the sweat to all of the rest of my clothes so it doens't absorb the stench. Thing is I don't know how badly I stink(probably a little sour), but who's not smelling sour in this weather? I thought today realizing my embaressment to be so foolish (but making sure not to berate myself too hard for it. You see, I'm working quite well to obtain my happiness) and glanced at m y fish thinking how lucky they were not to ever get to sweat.
But I countered that realizing, they cna't even survive outisde of land, of course htey don't sweat. Dog's pant, humans sweat, and lizards going into area's of shade daring not to sit out in the hot heat, while we can do all of this and yet we're complaining about how we'll stink? Nature gave us the ability to survive outside in the heat, and all I can think about is how I'll stink. Even worse, when I don't even think I'll stink so much and when nobody has even commented on whether or not I stink besides my family. And my mom's sense of smell is much too sensitive while my brother is a twig himself, so why should I care what he has to say?
Anyways... I think that's all I ahve to say.
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